We all know the pretties, they cover our instas, our newsfeed, our ads. Impossibly beautiful moments with magical light, cool breezes, hipster hats, colorful blooms or foliage, the perfect mocha or malbec and of course the chic shoes.
Carefully curated images paraded in an endless stream before our eyes, every night, and every day. I’m guilty of it too. When I see that perfect sunset or gram worthy vignette, I click and share with the best of them. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with this, as long as we keep sprinkling in the humor and realness at the same time. But occasionally, you have a day, or a week, when all the not so pretties converge, and slap you in the face, repeatedly, until your only option is to throw up your hands, cry uncle, and embrace the real.
I just had this week.
It starts with a bug. Or rather, a lot of them. Ya’ll I don’t cuss often, but I’ll admit a choice word or two crossed my lips during encounters with these little devils this week.
Stink bugs. A bug native to Eastern Asia that delightfully was introduced in America in the 1990s. You heard that right. These suckers didn’t arrive until 1996 and in the 20+ years since can now be found in 44 states. So the same year we were all blissfully enjoying the first Backstreet Boys album, these little terrors began their own US tour.
If you’ve never dealt with these wee beasties, drop to your knees right now and thank your lucky stars. If you have dealt with them, you have my utmost respect. To all others, be for-warned, the next paragraphs chronicling my battles with them are not for the faint of heart.
It started innocently enough, I heard a buzzing by the screened porch door and instead of the wasps I see from time to time, a small, squarish bug flew into the living room. I stepped over and with a card and cup in hand, captured and released him back on the deck – fly free little buddy! Little did either of us know just how lucky he was to escape the upcoming slaughter.
An important note, unless it is a fire ant or mosquito, I try my dardnest not to kill bugs and to catch and release all critters back outside whenever they wander into my space, Whatever your thoughts on this, it’s important for you to know that so you can recognize just how low I sunk in my bloody bugacide.
Here’s some things to know about stink bugs,
- They are loud. No they don’t chirp or squeak or anything, but they fly really noisily and quickly and they smack loudly into walls, mirrors, and your face, with a solid thwamp. (I would come to find out that that solidness was due to an unbelievable amount of goo in their squat little abdomens, more on that later)
- They smell. As they are aptly named, when you startle or kill them, they emit an odor, one final lingering taunt from the grave.
- They play dead. I have seen one sit without moving for 2 days, only to fly straight into my face when I go to knock him down.
- They are amazing magicians/have super powers. I don’t know how they do it, but they fly through windows and walls and multiply exponentially without any explanation. It boggles the mind. You can leave a room for 5 minutes, return and find 20 on your skylight. Ask me how I know.
- They are just the worst.
I won’t get into the tedium of describing every detail of the skirmish, but here are the highlights of my Monday.
10am – I’ve seen one or two so far in the screened in porch, just hanging out on the screen, I’m monitoring the situation.
11am – I don’t know what’s happening but their numbers are growing steadily, I now see at least 3 in each window in the living room. I need a plan.
12pm – I went upstairs to the bedroom and Holy Crap, they are assembling a second battalion here. I feel them eyeing me with suspicion. I need to act now.
1pm – All attempts at shooing them through open windows have failed. They start to head towards freedom only to circle back and hurtle gleefully into my face. This means war.
1:15pm – The battle starts upstairs. I grab the nearest book (a fertility book I think, sure its bad karma to use it to kill bugs, but desperate times ya’ll) And I take my aim.
1:20pm – I am immediately astounded by the fact that the bug is not dead after a solid hit. I go in again, and then it happens, the goo, so much goo. But I must press on. I attack the left and right flank, I follow their retreat into the bathroom and take out a whole platoon in the skylight. (I also apologize for my wildly inaccurate military references, I’ll work on that)
1:30 – At this point I switch my tactics up and grab a fistful of toilet paper, I grab, squish, and then sploosh them into the toilet, until a horrific scene of dead and nearly dead bugs fills the bowl.
2:00pm – The battle moves downstairs. I am shaken to my core when, upon squishing a bug in the bay window, a spray of goo, hits my arm a good 3 feet away. How is this even possible??
2:30pm – Much soap and scrubbing of myself and all surfaces later, I finish taking out the last survivors. There are no prisoners, there is no mercy.
3:00pm – I enjoy my stinkbug free home, if only for a few minutes or days until they mount their next attack.
To be continued you little devils, bring it on.
The other part of the not so pretties week is a little jarring, literally. To know me is to know that in another life I am Snow White. I have a deep rooted desire to live in harmony with all creatures. That vision came crashing down a little during my drive home on Tim’s birthday after meeting up with one of our dear Colorado friends who was in town. It was 11pm or so, and as we were meandering through our country lanes, in a split second, a large black bear decided it needed to sprint right in front of our car. I slammed on the brakes but still managed to tag his massive rump as he scampered by. (this is not a photo of the actual bear, just one of similar size for reference)
So many emotions. Obviously concerned for the bear although pretty certain he was fine because we thankfully weren’t going that fast and we only bumped into his large fluffy butt. Upon arriving home though we found that the bumper is actually a little cracked, but thankfully no further damages. So now I’m annoyed, we have to file a claim, and I need to add, “don’t hit a bear” to my psyche every time I drive home, hurray.
So to everyone who thinks our new life is one big idyllic insta dream, it is not, it is full of not pretties. Yes we have beautiful sunsets and deer romping through the yard. But we have bugs, and mildew and overgrown grass just like everyone else.
I promise to showcase it all for you. The beautiful, the annoying, the breathtaking, and the not so pretties.
Until next week friends.
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